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Gray, the color of November has emerged today. Orange, yellow, crimson and rust have muted in the light fog to shades of gray without definition, sparkle, or joy. Quiet, still mist envelopes the landscape and nothing is moving. As I peer out the windows struggling for something to write, I notice my surroundings echo the feelings I have inside today. I can see there are still things for nature to tend to before winter yet she seems to be stuck. The leaves and nuts still hang on her boughs and the grass has not yet stopped growing. Her colorful glory and breezes that made her leaves dance across the lawn this weekend have gone hushed. She is drab and uninspired to play.
The ebb and flow of life after 50 plus years has come into a predictable rhythm. Just when things seem to be sparkling with fun and joy for a period of time, everything crashes!
The crash isn't always the life altering kind of crash that devastates a soul and transforms it into a new part of life, it is instead the swelling up of little things that begin to take the light away. The things when taken alone are minuscule and can be dealt with but when added up over a short period of time exhaust one's breath. How does the cycle that began with a glorious wedding and laughter end with a traumatic death of a beloved kitten for a child, and a crashed up car for a man who asks for nothing? When you feel like you do not belong in your own skin, and you know things are going to come in threes, what do you do? Wait it out? Exercise? Eat? Sleep? Create? Work? Clean? WHAT DO YOU DO!
I find that my natural progression for times like this follows a predictable path. Even if unpleasant, it is always the same and constant, and it gives me the comfort of knowing it will pass. For me, I wonder and then worry, which manifests into a heightened octave in voice and agitated karma, then I get quiet and withdrawn, then I worry about that, then I eat, and then I CLEAN! I think sometimes I clean because it puts order back into the situation. I feel more in control, and by the time I finish putting my home in order, which by the way could take days, the situation has corrected itself. The positive by product of upheaval in my life is order! I have learned what to expect from years of living the highs and the lows. I know calm will all come into line and things will be orderly once more, but until then.........ARGH!!!!!
post script: My grandchildren watched their kitten pass away from seizures this weekend, and while going out to relieve their anxious hearts with a treat, we backed right up into my hubby's brand new (LOVED) car. I am still holding my breath for number three!