....The heart beats faster and the breath is quicker exuding excitement from deep within a soul that brings life to an otherwise dormant creature. A second in time can change a lifetime, and yet while the heart is beating nothing seems real and the chance is taken with one swift step so as not to lose the opportunity. Not knowing if the clock can be turned back or if the future can be restrained, the step is taken without the advantage of experience.

Waiting patiently the anticipation mounted to a level she hadn't felt in years. She has thought back at that moment over and over again for the past seven months. The turmoil in that time had tossed her thoughts in a torrent of storms. Thoughts as deafening as thunder and tears as drowning as torrential rains, they would sometimes subside into glimmers of rainbows and even breaking sunshine but they always returned again in an unyielding seasonal cycle. Each season brought with it a new set of rules until the one she dreaded most, inevitable as it was, stealthily crept up. It was time for the lesson to be learned. The year was exactly the same in days and weather as it had been in 1973 and it was not a coincidence.....

The windshield wipers beat a soft cadence back and forth drowning out all the sound of the outside world so she could only hear the words in her head as she remained silent in the passenger seat of the white Plymouth Belvediere. The rain fell like tears, the tears she could not shed for she needed to be brave. She was alone after all. Even with people around her she was alone. She was preparing to hide this October day forever in her heart. Allowing it to be buried. The colors were masked, and the steel and glass and dirt and iron all mingled into the fog and rain and the dull skies of a colorless fall loomed around them. She remembers only the echoed words of life around her as she entered the bubble that would become her life for the next 40 years. For the day had arrived and in a second she would be changed for ever....or so she thought, that was until February 2012 came. It had been waiting for her all this time. It had been patiently waiting to teach a lesson. It would take 8 months in a perfect year with perfect days with perfect weather in order to bring her back. To bring her back to where she needed to finally feel it all from 1973.


...when February showed it's story in a new chapter with a new beginning I had no idea where it would lead. I have no idea still but I know there were lessons to be learned. Grief and sadness enveloped me. As well as denial, betrayal, abandonment and shame along with guilt and acceptance. Well, the acceptance is still difficult and perhaps the lesson hasn't fully been embraced but I am still growing. I guess the most poignant thing I learned was that time has no boundaries and life will catch you no matter how long you run from it. It will be gentle in the healing though and that is what is most encouraging. For after it beats you down, waiting for you take a hard look at it, it will be gentle. The most difficult part of the experience was feeling the itch (pain) and learning how it felt to actually feel it. For when it was done I could look back at 40 years and play all the experiences back in fast motion to see where I made my choices, it was then the lesson was brought to the forefront. That is when I learned how to be softer. I no longer need to be strong and brave. I could finally lean on those who loved me. That is when  I learned how much I had been loved. Now I felt safe and I could finally begin to let go of the secret.

I am sure the story has not ended but I know the experience has taught me much. It is another piece of the puzzle of life and it will be there for me when I need to call upon it again. The poison that it brought with it has been quelled and I have the medicine for it now.

Thank you all who have traveled this journey with me. If you are a constant reader I am sure is has been perplexing. It began with story of the dragon and I am hoping it will end here. At least in public view. I hope to be writing in a lighter fashion in the year ahead and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your care and concern. God bless.~Donna
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Andrea L - EnchantINK said...

Sounds like there is finally some degree of closure. I hope you realise how blessed you are with the choices you have made. I read a good book .. called "calm my anxious heart" by Linda Dillow. Great book ... And had a chapter dealing with the "what ifs" & the "if onlys". We can get ourselves in all sorts of knots trying to deal with these distractions! chin up, Donna ... Keep smiling ... And remember y ARE loved! Hugs xxx PS thanks for sharing such intimate feelings. You are a treasure! Hugs xxx

Amanda said...

"...time has no boundaries and life will catch you no matter how long you run from it..." so very true - and a painful lesson, better and less achingly, but impossibly, to be learned from a book rather from life. As unfair as it can often seem, not all questions have answers, and all itches cannot be scratched, to satisfaction. A strong hug is good, but all the work here is between the ears, and acceptance is in the heart. Love you!

Diana said...

I'm glad that you've learned to deal with the situation whatever it may have been. I've always been a FIRM believer that the past is just that, the past. Love Di ♥