The hum of the computer tower was often ignored, as was the sound of the furnace. Today it was different and the sounds were deafening because the computer tower was right beside her, and the whirring furnace kept her company from behind the door in the next room. Except for those constant white noises, silence hung heavy everywhere else. The occasional rumble of tires on the wet road, or of the stories competing to be told in her head broke the cadence and she was pulled back into the present moment of time that she occupied.
Her breathing was slow and rhythmic as she contemplated the sensations of comfort that surrounded her now. After years of figuring out where she needed to be, she realized at this moment she had everything she needed, and none of what she didn't need.
Sitting alone with her thoughts she began the lazy journey of daydreaming. In and out her thoughts swam from consciousness to dreamlike bliss, picking up one idea just as the previous one was released to float away. She felt completely peaceful. As she entered into consciousness once more and for just a second, her thoughts landed anew on the contentment she felt. She acknowledged the gratitude she had for having everything she needed....then as she became more cognizant as the minutes ticked by, she questioned that last dream state thought "of having everything she needed" and was more astonished to recall that she had "everything" today, except for a gnawing pining.
It was during these enchanting journeys that she was often times caught off guard, and this was going to be one of those times. The notion rang in her head again....and the words "everything except!" reverberated in her heart.
She recognized the desires she longed for weren't of material goods, or money, or recognition. The things she wanted were the longing romance of the old voices in her everyday life! Of course the memories were stored in her mind, and she could recall them when ever she needed to, but every now and then the hole in her heart seemed to open up wide like the blow hole of a whale. Most often the hole was closed tightly so she could dive deep into her life, and forget about what lay just above the surface full of emotions. She sank into the depths of the cold ocean, living in a place that could not touch her heart. But each time she took a moment to surface for air, she could feel the rush of pain just there on the brink, it was like water filling an abyss, flooding in as she gasped to hold the pressure back.
Sometimes she could no longer stay below the surface living her life, and as she raced upward and head~on into the emotions that raged like a storm above her, she would violently catch her breath just before she gulped in the pain ~and then it would happen. She had no more strength to hold it back and she had no choice but to succumb to the inevitability of taking all of the hurt upon her and facing the reality that what she once had, was now gone. ~FOREVER gone!
Holidays are a time of grief and sadness and even despair for many of us. The sights of glitter and shine, and the sounds of laughter and carols, sometime conflict with what we are feeling on the inside. I cannot pretend to know what you personally feel, but for some of us as we age, it is the loss of childhood. The emptiness we feel when those memories of our youth don't jive with what we try to accomplish for those children we have stewardship over now. Others have loss of magical Christmases from years gone by that seem layered with dust! For so many of us it is the loss of our parents. We ache to hear them tell us once more how lovely we have made their Christmas, and how much they love us! Sadly for some there is the loss that is so unbearable during this season, and that is the loss of their own child.
I cannot give wisdom or solace to erase the sadness of all who are hurting, I can only give acknowledgement. I can say I see it, and I can say I see you!
I hope we all can come to the place where the smile we put on our faces will send a ray of hope to those who are hurting. I wish for that smile to convey hope and compassion, in order to open the window of your soul, allowing unconditional love and comfort to those who hurt so deeply so they may feel enough peace to lean on you.
As she was yanked back to the present she let the tears fall, took a deep breath and then felt a smile come across her lips. She shook her head in acceptance and the thought of her parents and how they looked on Christmas Eve in the mid seventies crossed her mind. She picked herself up off the chair as the bell to the clothes dryer chimed....... her daydream was over, and she missed them so.
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